I'm Fine - Something I've Never Experienced Before

So I've been planning to write this post for a while. I had it planned before the last 2 posts were written & published. I had it planned to post in good time after my last post. I had it planned to not leave it nearly a month. I had it planned because it was important to me to get it off my chest & important for people to hear the story, even if it only reaches 1 person. I was putting it off however. I was making excuses to not write. I was telling myself I was busy or not in the correct frame of mind or had more important things to do. Truth is, I've had two weeks off work and I sit here with only 4 days left of that and realised I could have written this at any point in that time. I was choosing not to, not because of any of those reasons. I was choosing not to because I guess I was scared. Scared to see what reaction (if any) it would get. Scared to see what words would spill out of my brain and onto this blog & therefore the entire Internet. Scared to see if I would be judged. Scared to see if people would just look at it as bandwagon jumping.

Until January 2019 I can honestly say I have never experienced a mental health problem my entire life. I reflect back and think I had occasional low mood but on the whole I was happy with my existence. I had been around people who had genuinely suffered and battled for years with their own issues. I felt I had it all figured out. Fiance, house, good job, two dogs, cat, active social life & plenty of hobbies. Then it all came crashing down and everything I had worked for was falling apart and slipping through my fingers. I felt I had no control over it. My relationship ended and the animals went with it. My house went on the market. For the first time ever since starting work, I didn't get a job I applied for. Not once, but twice. This battered my self confidence and belief in my own abilities. For the first time ever I was waking up in the morning and not wanting to get out of bed. Those who know me really well, will know I'm a bit of a lunatic early riser so this feeling was really out of character for me. Did I/Do I think I was depressed? Honestly, no. I hadn't had a diagnosis from a professional and didn't think I was feeling low enough to go speak to someone about it. I did find myself putting less effort into things & putting off doing tasks that needed to be done. Making excuses about why I shouldn't exercise (even though it always makes me feel better, I'm writing this after a gym session), making excuses to not see friends for social occasions.

Through talking to friends, work colleagues, teammates and new people, I begun to realise that more people are struggling than they let on. I found out my best friend had been depressed for the best part of a year and I barely noticed. As a people manager, I have helped people through mental health issues and have experienced first hand how positive it can be if you support someone and help them turn things around. It made me realise that support, talking about it and being part of something are all super positive steps in feeling happy and recovering from a mental health issue. I was fortunate that January was the beginning of an intense period of football coaching at Exeter, which included a deeper than expected playoff run (as previously mentioned in other posts). Wyverns training had begun and between it all, I dove in head first and immersed myself in football. I can truly say, the only time I have felt myself this year so far, has been on a football field. It's the only time when I am 100% comfortable with who I am and fully confident in myself as a person. It's more than just X's and O's to me. It's more than just a violent game of chess. It's an expression of passion & love for not just the sport but the people I choose to do it with.

It wasn't until yesterday when I removed my house keys to give back that I noticed I was still carrying a personal & loving key ring from my previous relationship on my keys. It's significance meant so much when it was given to me but now I've come to know that it either had a false meaning or the feeling just simply faded over time. I chose to throw it away at a spot where we used to walk the dogs, when I left the village for the last time. It gave me great closure and although that key ring contained fond memories, this action signified the end of my current chapter.

The good news is, I am well on the way to being happy again. I have taken my own and Ufford's advice from a previous breakup (you'll need to go back to 2012/13 archives for that post) and have got back into the gym. I have fully moved house and gotten closure on the past. My diet will be back on track when I return to work next week. I have plans that are worth looking forward to. I don't regret anything from the last 6 years. I look back on it fondly as 6 good years but knowing that people and plans change. You only learn from your mistakes and I feel I will be a better person going forward. I will be someone aware of their own mental health pitfalls and able to have coping mechanisms ready in case something happens again.

To sign off this post, I am well aware that most people out there are suffering with worse issues than what I have experienced. I just wanted to share how I was feeling, what caused it and what I was doing to get better. What works for me may not work for many others. However, if this post makes even one person feel supported, or know they have someone to reach out to, it will have served it's purpose. My friends, teammates and colleagues have been brilliant. I cannot thank you enough. You know who you are.


You can easily see a broken leg but you can't see a broken brain.

It's okay to not be okay.

Football is family.

Without it I wouldn't have the courage to write this post or get this out of my head.

If anyone would like to talk about this, just reach out.

Dan

Final note - Check Out This Fantastic Mental Health Movement That We Actively Support At The Somerset Wyverns -  https://www.facebook.com/LiftingTheLidMHAC/